I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
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