Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
