I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
