Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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