Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
