Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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