I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
