By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I just want to make out with him forever
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
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