just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
