you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Randomize
