Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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