jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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