i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
