Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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