Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
