Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
