we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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