Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I believe in your delicious
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
