If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
