Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
My dick has a subreddit
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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