sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
She said her name was "party"
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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