nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
