This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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