Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
