Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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