i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
