Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
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