so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
