just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
