I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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