I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
