i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
