Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
So many bounce houses so little time
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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