first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
