He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
My ass is underappreciated
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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