So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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