My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
