You're my little dorito
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
