Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
