I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
