Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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