he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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