chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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