I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
