I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
