I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Randomize
