Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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