he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
