ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize