he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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