ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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