So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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