Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
