she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Randomize