how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
