sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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