Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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