There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
