I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
