When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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